what to do with all these feelings… December 12, 2007

I’m not sure… I wish there was a trash can somewhere that I could throw them all in. I am a walking poster child for anxiety. I’ve felt rejection my entire life, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. But this time it really hurts. And wow, does it. I didn’t know I could love someone this much. Nor could I have anticipated how much pain I would feel. I ate a few bites of an oatmeal raisin cookie this morning. It’s the first solid food I’ve eaten since lunch on Monday. My heart says “don’t give up” and “he still loves you.” But my head says “throw in the towel.” I wish I knew what to do. I love him… I love him… I LOVE him. I love his family. I really thought this was it. Not perfect, of course. But what is? I am certainly not. Flawed is what I am. But I thought I had met someone who could see past the flaws to the person I am inside and the person that I want to be. By no means is he perfect either. But I thought that he was perfect for me. I wish I could tell him how much I love him… how much he means to me… But he doesn’t want to talk. And I can’t make him listen.