stop the ride… i want to get off December 18, 2007

I’m not really a big fan of rollercoasters in the real world, and I prefer not to be on them theorectically either. But I’ve certainly been on the equivilant of one emotionally for the last few weeks…

After Thanksgiving I genuinely thought that my exboyfriend and I would work things out. Last week, any dream of that faded when he made it clear that he just wanted to be single. I am devestated. I love this man more than I ever thought that I could. I miss him all of the time… even those little things that drove me crazy sometimes. My heart breaks knowing that he doesn’t feel the same. It breaks even more knowing that Christmas is probably the last time I’ll see him or his family, who I’ve also grown to love. It’s that pain that hurts deep in your body… in that place that you can’t quite describe… that makes you double over and lose your breath.

I applied for a couple of positions in my field over the weekend. I was really excited when I got a phone call on Monday from the large non-profit that I applied to. I thought wow, they must really like my resume. Of course, when I actually spoke to them, they were just verifying that I met their minimum requirements. I’m not out of the running just yet, but obviously I’m not their ideal candidate on paper. Once again, the fact that I didn’t complete my education is kicking me in the ass.

So what I’m saying is that I’m ready to get off this ride.

I’m allowed to be sad. December 15, 2007

It feels like my internal organs are being wrung inside out. My heart is broken. I’m allowed to be sad.    

what to do with all these feelings… December 12, 2007

I’m not sure… I wish there was a trash can somewhere that I could throw them all in. I am a walking poster child for anxiety. I’ve felt rejection my entire life, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. But this time it really hurts. And wow, does it. I didn’t know I could love someone this much. Nor could I have anticipated how much pain I would feel. I ate a few bites of an oatmeal raisin cookie this morning. It’s the first solid food I’ve eaten since lunch on Monday. My heart says “don’t give up” and “he still loves you.” But my head says “throw in the towel.” I wish I knew what to do. I love him… I love him… I LOVE him. I love his family. I really thought this was it. Not perfect, of course. But what is? I am certainly not. Flawed is what I am. But I thought I had met someone who could see past the flaws to the person I am inside and the person that I want to be. By no means is he perfect either. But I thought that he was perfect for me. I wish I could tell him how much I love him… how much he means to me… But he doesn’t want to talk. And I can’t make him listen.

confusion December 11, 2007

Have you ever been so confused about something that you had no idea which was was up anymore? Some days I’m surprised that I can even find my way out bed in the morning… and when I do that I can actually remember what my name is. My world has been turned inside out lately and I’m not sure what I’m even doing anymore. I am going through one of the most painful experiences I have ever endured. I think one of the most difficult situations you can go through is being completely and intensely in love with someone… who once reciprocated those feelings… and then seemingly overnight changed their mind. What’s even more difficult is trying to keep a friendship with that person… so many mixed messages… it’s heartbreaking really. You want them to be part of your life, but it kind of makes you miserable because you love them so much. So I’m just really confused right now and I’m hoping I wake up one day and figure it all out.