my new year January 3, 2008

I have to be honest; I’m not a big fan of “New Years.” I generally find the whole concept to be a little silly. I mean, we’re just putting up a new calendar, right? Does anyone actually keep their list of resolutions?  

I’ve been on a bit of a rollercoaster the last year or so, especially the last couple of months. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… thinking about who I am, what my goals are, how I can improve and grow, what lessons I’ve been learning.  

Here’s what I’ve come up with… 

I have amazing friends. I have this inner circle of people in my life that are just wonderful people. The circle changes from time to time, but I know that the people in it really have my best interests at heart. What also brings me joy, are the people who I might not talk to every day, but who really step up for me when I’m going through a difficult time.  

My family loves me. They may not always be there for me in the way that I need them. They may hurt my feelings, drive me crazy, and act like jerks sometimes. But I know that underneath it all, they really do love me. And that’s the important thing.  

That being said… I need to start creating boundaries. I can’t control others, but sometimes I let them control me. I let other people influence my decisions and my actions. This isn’t always a bad thing. Many times people give me great advice. However, I tend to get caught up in the negative sometimes. I let people upset me, who are not important and who don’t have my best interests at heart. I need to have the clarity to see who is appropriate to let in, and who I need to just leave on the fringes of my life.  

I need to stop “sweating the small stuff.” Sometimes I don’t even realize that I do it. I definitely don’t mean to. I think it’s a product of me being stressed about other things and not dealing with them properly. So instead of focusing on little things that don’t matter, I need to figure out what I’m really upset about and focus on fixing that instead.  

I need to stop being passive-aggressive. I want to make some changes in my life. I’m scared to make them and I get overwhelmed easily. If something is too hard, I either ignore it or run for my life in the opposite direction. So I get nothing done, whatever the situation is, it’s still there and it’s staring me in the face. Then I get stressed about it and I start “sweating the small stuff” because I’m too afraid to deal with the big stuff.  

I need to enjoy the moment, instead of worrying about the future. The future is going to come, whether I worry about it or not. I only have so much control and the rest I can’t do anything about. So why not put my fear and anxieties aside, and enjoy what’s happening in the present…  

These things are easier said than done. I’ve experienced a lot in almost 32 years. Not all of it has been positive. I’ve been deeply hurt by people I trusted. And that makes it hard to change, hard to grow, hard to let go of the defense mechanisms and the strongholds that I’ve clung to for so long. But I know that it’s time to make some changes around here.  

Clarity and courage… those are my resolutions for 2008… so bring it on.

stop the ride… i want to get off December 18, 2007

I’m not really a big fan of rollercoasters in the real world, and I prefer not to be on them theorectically either. But I’ve certainly been on the equivilant of one emotionally for the last few weeks…

After Thanksgiving I genuinely thought that my exboyfriend and I would work things out. Last week, any dream of that faded when he made it clear that he just wanted to be single. I am devestated. I love this man more than I ever thought that I could. I miss him all of the time… even those little things that drove me crazy sometimes. My heart breaks knowing that he doesn’t feel the same. It breaks even more knowing that Christmas is probably the last time I’ll see him or his family, who I’ve also grown to love. It’s that pain that hurts deep in your body… in that place that you can’t quite describe… that makes you double over and lose your breath.

I applied for a couple of positions in my field over the weekend. I was really excited when I got a phone call on Monday from the large non-profit that I applied to. I thought wow, they must really like my resume. Of course, when I actually spoke to them, they were just verifying that I met their minimum requirements. I’m not out of the running just yet, but obviously I’m not their ideal candidate on paper. Once again, the fact that I didn’t complete my education is kicking me in the ass.

So what I’m saying is that I’m ready to get off this ride.

horse racing, drag queens, and ice capades December 15, 2007

Some random thoughts and events from the last couple of days…

• I absolutely ADORE my friends. They are the best.
• I won $4 at Turfway Park last night. Not bad considering I only bet $1.
• I bet on horses based on their name.
• $1 beers are good, even if it’s crappy beer.
• Margaritas, particularly good ones, are the bomb.
• The Office and 30 Rock are absolutely hilarious. If you don’t watch them, you should start.
• I gave dollar tips to drag queens doing a charity show at a “country/western” gay bar. A country/western gay bar is a difficult concept to comprehend, unless you’re actually there. There was a big poster of Reba McIntire holding a bag of Fritos. That was pretty funny. But it would’ve been even funnier if she was eating them.
• Some of the drag queens had nicer legs than me. There’s something just not fair about that.
• I drove to work on a Saturday in 3″ of snow and freezing rain. When I was about halfway here, I decided that I might be retarded for doing so. But I was already halfway and I could use the extra cash. I got to work and there was an equally retarded co-worker here as well. He told me he did a “180″ on his way here. I’m thinking he is way more retarded than I am.
• Pumpkin donuts are yummy…especially when paired with a caramel latte.
• I like snow, but freezing rain and ice are not my friends.
• I still haven’t finished my Christmas shopping. I really need to get crack-a-lackin on that.
• The copier at work sounds like a helicopter. I’m convinced that one day it’s going take off and fly far, far away to “copier heaven.”
• I wish I could sleep past 9am.

confusion December 11, 2007

Have you ever been so confused about something that you had no idea which was was up anymore? Some days I’m surprised that I can even find my way out bed in the morning… and when I do that I can actually remember what my name is. My world has been turned inside out lately and I’m not sure what I’m even doing anymore. I am going through one of the most painful experiences I have ever endured. I think one of the most difficult situations you can go through is being completely and intensely in love with someone… who once reciprocated those feelings… and then seemingly overnight changed their mind. What’s even more difficult is trying to keep a friendship with that person… so many mixed messages… it’s heartbreaking really. You want them to be part of your life, but it kind of makes you miserable because you love them so much. So I’m just really confused right now and I’m hoping I wake up one day and figure it all out.