They say “Time heals all wounds.” But how much time? This wound has been an open sore for quite some time now, it seems. And it hasn’t gotten any easier. If I was a wiser person, I would have most likely given up by now. But perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. For the past few months, I’ve had that thing called hope. But some days I wonder if hope is just a pipe dream. I wish I could move along. But I can’t. I’m not sure why. I’ve tried putting a bandaid on, but it doesn’t stay attached very well. Every time someone mentions the wound, a little piece of the bandaid comes off, and little by little the entire wound is exposed again. I’m highly functional and living life… but the wound is still there. And I think it might always be. I took a great risk and while there was great reward temporarily, there was great heartbreak in the end. Why is it that some can move past the pain and others can not? I’m not sure what will heal this wound, this hurting, this heartbreak. I’m not sure it ever will ever be healed. And I’m definitely not convinced that time is going to much of anything.

I’m not really a big fan of rollercoasters in the real world, and I prefer not to be on them theorectically either. But I’ve certainly been on the equivilant of one emotionally for the last few weeks…

After Thanksgiving I genuinely thought that my exboyfriend and I would work things out. Last week, any dream of that faded when he made it clear that he just wanted to be single. I am devestated. I love this man more than I ever thought that I could. I miss him all of the time… even those little things that drove me crazy sometimes. My heart breaks knowing that he doesn’t feel the same. It breaks even more knowing that Christmas is probably the last time I’ll see him or his family, who I’ve also grown to love. It’s that pain that hurts deep in your body… in that place that you can’t quite describe… that makes you double over and lose your breath.

I applied for a couple of positions in my field over the weekend. I was really excited when I got a phone call on Monday from the large non-profit that I applied to. I thought wow, they must really like my resume. Of course, when I actually spoke to them, they were just verifying that I met their minimum requirements. I’m not out of the running just yet, but obviously I’m not their ideal candidate on paper. Once again, the fact that I didn’t complete my education is kicking me in the ass.

So what I’m saying is that I’m ready to get off this ride.

It feels like my internal organs are being wrung inside out. My heart is broken. I’m allowed to be sad.    

I’m not sure… I wish there was a trash can somewhere that I could throw them all in. I am a walking poster child for anxiety. I’ve felt rejection my entire life, you’d think I’d be used to it by now. But this time it really hurts. And wow, does it. I didn’t know I could love someone this much. Nor could I have anticipated how much pain I would feel. I ate a few bites of an oatmeal raisin cookie this morning. It’s the first solid food I’ve eaten since lunch on Monday. My heart says “don’t give up” and “he still loves you.” But my head says “throw in the towel.” I wish I knew what to do. I love him… I love him… I LOVE him. I love his family. I really thought this was it. Not perfect, of course. But what is? I am certainly not. Flawed is what I am. But I thought I had met someone who could see past the flaws to the person I am inside and the person that I want to be. By no means is he perfect either. But I thought that he was perfect for me. I wish I could tell him how much I love him… how much he means to me… But he doesn’t want to talk. And I can’t make him listen.

Have you ever been so confused about something that you had no idea which was was up anymore? Some days I’m surprised that I can even find my way out bed in the morning… and when I do that I can actually remember what my name is. My world has been turned inside out lately and I’m not sure what I’m even doing anymore. I am going through one of the most painful experiences I have ever endured. I think one of the most difficult situations you can go through is being completely and intensely in love with someone… who once reciprocated those feelings… and then seemingly overnight changed their mind. What’s even more difficult is trying to keep a friendship with that person… so many mixed messages… it’s heartbreaking really. You want them to be part of your life, but it kind of makes you miserable because you love them so much. So I’m just really confused right now and I’m hoping I wake up one day and figure it all out.